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sween

sween’s tweets that have been favorited.

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When I see roadkill, I imagine furry CSIs spreading twigs around the body, looking for pawprints, cracking grim jokes to keep from howling.
by (Jason Sweeney), 11 hours, 33 minutes ago.
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Choo-choo! Chugga-chugga! Train's going in the station! Train's leaving the station! Train's going in the station! Train's sleepy now.
by (Jason Sweeney), 16 hours, 47 minutes ago.
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Okay. When *exactly* did making choo-choo noises during sex become a turn-off?
by (Jason Sweeney), 16 hours, 55 minutes ago.
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I didn't understand jujitsu until I realized I always get the remote but my wife always picks the show.
by (Jason Sweeney), 2 days, 1 hour ago.
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When my wife and I reminisce about farts is when I know we will be together forever.
by (Jason Sweeney), 2 days, 11 hours ago.
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Seriously. Rhinos really love slushies. http://j.mp/d5X3kV
by (Jason Sweeney), 3 days, 11 hours ago.
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Wife: "I wanted to give you some peace and quiet, but you ruined it with my shrieking!"
by (Jason Sweeney), 3 days, 16 hours ago.
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Two steps forward, one step back, fall down hole.
by (Jason Sweeney), 4 days ago.
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Sleep tight. http://j.mp/98iejz
by (Jason Sweeney), 4 days, 10 hours ago.
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A good way to test your knowledge of swear words is to discover you didn't properly close a can of paint when it falls over in your car.
by (Jason Sweeney), 5 days, 11 hours ago.
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Want to know who's been writing some crackerjack stories lately? @aedison, that's who. Go. Go forth and read:

http://averyedison.com/
by (Jason Sweeney), 6 days, 4 hours ago.
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Sometimes when I flick an ant off me, if I'm really quiet, I can hear a tiny "Whee!"
by (Jason Sweeney), 6 days, 4 hours ago.
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If you need someone to stand next to you while you complete minor household repairs and say "Well, now I know how to do that!" I'm your guy.
by (Jason Sweeney), 6 days, 5 hours ago.
Favorited by and 27 others

Tropical Depression Bonnie should try weakening to Tropical Finally Getting Dressed and Going Out to Refill Her Prescription Bonnie.
by (Jason Sweeney), 6 days, 14 hours ago.
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OH MY GOD STOP TALKING ABOUT THE IPHONE ANTENNA OR I SWEAR I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND AND ACTIVATE SKYNET MYSELF
by (Jason Sweeney), 1 week ago.
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Dropped a Q-tip, but I caught it before it hit the ground. The ninja behind me said, "Whoa." Then we high-fived.
by (Jason Sweeney), 1 week ago.
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Why don't bald guys with beards just walk upside down?
by (Jason Sweeney), 1 week ago.
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Aquaman: mall cop of the sea.

(Careful! He's got a walkie-talkie!)
by (Jason Sweeney), 1 week, 1 day ago.
Favorited by and 8 others

Passed a man driving a Rascal with a personalized license plate that read "LOVIN IT". Now questioning everything I know.
by (Jason Sweeney), 1 week, 2 days ago.
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Just confused my shoes for my cat again.
by (Jason Sweeney), 1 week, 2 days ago.
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