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apodixis

Tweets favorited by apodixis’s friends.

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if i wrote greeting cards:

(front)
happy anniversary to the man i settled with.
(inside)
i mean for.
by (fartgirl), 1 hour, 6 minutes ago.
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When someone uses 'diarrhea of the mouth', I don't think they really remember the last time they had diarrhea.
by (Matthew), 1 hour, 23 minutes ago.
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Just did my first FaceTime call. Notes:
-No black guy on the other end like the ads claim.
-Decent level of nudity.
-Your mom says hello.
by (Jeff Kelley), 1 hour, 24 minutes ago.
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#ff @YUCKYBOT, I feel like this is a wasted ff. Everyone should be following him, if not you're an idiot.
by (Kristen Rider), 1 hour, 34 minutes ago.
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That space of time between looking forward to seeing the kids and looking forward to their bedtime is called, “I’m home!”
by (Chris Pinckney), 1 hour, 34 minutes ago.
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@texburgher I call it Favstar.
by (Brian Bolter), 1 hour, 37 minutes ago.
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100 push-ups. 100 sit-ups. 100 pull-ups. 100 mg codeine ...and counting.
by (Jonathan), 1 hour, 37 minutes ago.
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My momma taught me never to waste food. http://twitpic.com/2a6ana
by (Gem), 1 hour, 39 minutes ago.
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It's really hard to make jokes about anal and that's why I keep trying.
by (Brian Drury), 1 hour, 40 minutes ago.
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Everytime a fast food drone tells me a price I tell them it was a good year: "7.86? That was a good year." It's a wonder I haven't been shot
by (Caleb K), 1 hour, 40 minutes ago.
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kaaaannnYYYEEEE, wwwOOOOULd yoUUUU do twittERRRR A fAAAAvvvoooRRRRRR aNd STF-UUUUUUpppp.

[typed in auto-tune]
by (Michael Pierce), 1 hour, 41 minutes ago.
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Gonna start putting my own name and number down as Next Of Kin.
Its obvious that Noone can be trusted.
by (Rachael Kathryn), 1 hour, 44 minutes ago.
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My 7yrold wants to know why it's called a "bra" and not a "boob protector." And I can't come up with a single good reason.
by (Jennifer txmomof3), 1 hour, 44 minutes ago.
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BTW - Thank you to all who sent #FF's today. Truly. I really would love to have written you all back if I wanted to. Hugs . . .
by (Brian Drury), 1 hour, 47 minutes ago.
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The dragonfly I caught in the house & released now has to explain to his wife that the blonde he spent the night with meant NOTHING to him.
by (Shauna. With a u.), 1 hour, 47 minutes ago.
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Whenever I'm home alone on the weekend, I cant help but wonder why K-Y® doesn't make a His and Hands gel.
by (rodney), 1 hour, 49 minutes ago.
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So meth heads love to deep clean apartments, right? I'm gonna go out clubbing tonight & find me a couple.
by (Mud), 1 hour, 51 minutes ago.
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The theme is vampires but I'm going as the quivering damsel. This concludes today's episode of Freud 101. Tomorrow: The Cigar Who Loved Me.
by (Melissa), 1 hour, 53 minutes ago.
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7yo: "Mom! Don't text and drive." Me: "Back off Oprah." Where do I pick up my trophy?
by (wickedamy), 1 hour, 53 minutes ago.
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My tears taste like dolphin sweat.
by (Tiny Jesus), 1 hour, 54 minutes ago.
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