Tweeteorites

ashamedtosay

Tweets favorited by ashamedtosay’s friends.

Leaderboard Friends’ Faves Ego Boost

if i wrote greeting cards:

(front)
happy anniversary to the man i settled with.
(inside)
i mean for.
by (fartgirl), 1 hour, 18 minutes ago.
Favorited by Friend

When someone uses 'diarrhea of the mouth', I don't think they really remember the last time they had diarrhea.
by (Matthew), 1 hour, 35 minutes ago.
Favorited by Friend
Also by

Just did my first FaceTime call. Notes:
-No black guy on the other end like the ads claim.
-Decent level of nudity.
-Your mom says hello.
by (Jeff Kelley), 1 hour, 36 minutes ago.
Favorited by Friend
Also by

That space of time between looking forward to seeing the kids and looking forward to their bedtime is called, “I’m home!”
by (Chris Pinckney), 1 hour, 46 minutes ago.
Favorited by Friend

The theme is vampires but I'm going as the quivering damsel. This concludes today's episode of Freud 101. Tomorrow: The Cigar Who Loved Me.
by (Melissa), 2 hours, 5 minutes ago.
Favorited by Friend

If there's one thing I'm able to do with absolute consistency it's write down a grocery list and forget to take it with me.
by (El Pee), 2 hours, 9 minutes ago.
Favorited by Friend
Also by

I want beer. All of the beer in the whole wide world. All of it! ALL OF ITTTTTTT!
by (Sarah), 2 hours, 43 minutes ago.
Favorited by Friend
Also by

Riding a motorcycle to Temple.

Shabbat shalom indeed!
by (D. E. Benson), 2 hours, 51 minutes ago.
Favorited by Friend

Love is spending 95 minutes on hair and makeup and putting on a pretty dress, then ruining it all in a fuckfest on the floor in 10 minutes.
by (Snatch), 2 hours, 53 minutes ago.
Favorited by Friend
Also by

I started catching up on my political news, but then I saw something about a Weiner Rangel and skipped ahead to sports.
by (Wade), 3 hours, 8 minutes ago.
Favorited by Friend

I have to stop masturbating in the shower for a while because I'm pretty sure my bathtub is ovulating.
by (Josh Donoghue), 3 hours, 8 minutes ago.
Favorited by Friend
Also by

FUCK CHOCOLATE COOKIES -FUCK THEM IN THEIR RICH CHOCOLATE ASSHOLES
by (Josh Hara), 3 hours, 9 minutes ago.
Favorited by Friend

I wish the little kids who made this t-shirt could see how awesome my boobs look.
by (best girl betty), 3 hours, 11 minutes ago.
Favorited by Friend
Also by

How do I know my Ronald McDonald House Charity donation won't go to shore up Grimmace's child molestation court costs?
by (The Night Stalker), 3 hours, 12 minutes ago.
Favorited by Friend

I'm glad we don't walk around with our vaginas showing. It's been so humid, and you'd think I'm too old for these pig tails.
by (nine thumps), 3 hours, 13 minutes ago.
Favorited by Friend

If only my employer knew I'd be happy about receiving my wages in wine. Don't quote me on that though. I'm just drunk at work.
by (Crackbarbie), 3 hours, 18 minutes ago.
Favorited by Friend

Any man squinting into the setting sun not thinking of Clint Eastwood is denying the very nature of his soul.
by (Josh Hara), 3 hours, 28 minutes ago.
Favorited by Friend
Also by

Naturally, "Egg Beaters" are tank-tops for white-trash roosters.
by (Jason Mustian ), 3 hours, 29 minutes ago.
Favorited by Friend

There is a glass of simple syrup in my fridge. Technically it's for cocktails but I'll probably end up chugging it anyway.
by (Chris Aucutt), 3 hours, 29 minutes ago.
Favorited by Friends

I kiss your mother with this mouth
by (Without Pants), 3 hours, 31 minutes ago.
Favorited by Friend