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emgid

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My wife and I have this awesome game we play called "He Gets That from You."
by (Essex Mortimer Dogg), 6 days, 9 hours ago.
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I'm like the Simon Cowell of having erect nipples in public.
by (Meg Abbitch), 6 days, 21 hours ago.
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You don't like ketchup? Don't get mustarded. Mestard-ed. Me started.
by (Bailey Siewert), 6 days, 21 hours ago.
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My wife left an hour ago on a five-day trip and I'm already pinned under a bookcase, the Russian mob is after me, and I spilled my juice.
by (Jason Sweeney), 6 days, 21 hours ago.
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Sometimes I just want to copy someone else's status, taco for taco, and see if they notice.
by (J. Adam Moore), 6 days, 22 hours ago.
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I'm not a Colombian coffee farmer, but I play Juan on TV.
by (matt), 6 days, 22 hours ago.
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Do people who answer "Thank you" with "No problem" answer "Sorry" with "You're welcome?" One way to find out is to hit them, then apologize.
by (Adam Isacson), 1 week ago.
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I've been sort of afraid of getting fired lately, so I hired a spider to weave "COMPETENT" over me in her web while I sleep at my desk.
by (Julieanne Smolinski), 1 week ago.
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Percentage of my tweets about making mistakes that have errors in them: 176%.
by (Chris Aucutt), 1 week ago.
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Eating Cheetos with righteous indignation.
by (ChiNurse), 1 week ago.
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Good advice helps you find the solution to your problem.

Great advice helps you find you were solving the wrong problem.
by (Merlin Mann), 1 week ago.
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Well... Today was a successful one at not catching AIDS.
by (Verified Ashley), 1 week ago.
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I unfollowed real me and she unfollowed fake me and we are both lonely and confused now. Twitter dissociative identity disorder is hard.
by (you are killing me), 1 week ago.
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So, this guy, Pedro Calderón de la Barca y Barreda González de Henao Ruiz de Blasco y Riaño, walks into a bar.
by (none), 1 week ago.
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No, no, I didn't say "that's awesome, baby, " I said, "that's Awesome Baby!" My favorite infant superhero! Look at his little cape!
by (Corey Hinds), 1 week ago.
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No, no, Democrats. See, the object is STAYING in power. I think you're confusing things with hot potato.
by (Ben Brooks), 1 week ago.
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When we were teenagers in love we exchanged mix tapes. Now they MMS jpgs of their junk. I wish I knew what that meant so I could condone it.
by (Sam Hey), 1 week ago.
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They say there's no such thing as a sure thing but I'm pretty sure if you are driving behind someone in a 76 Cadillac you will be late.
by (MC Thumbtack), 1 week ago.
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My dog ate my pot and left me a lovely green turd.

Scooby Doobie Doo.
by (Phil), 1 week ago.
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It's sad to think that in some countries Justin Bieber might get killed for not wearing a burka.
by (kelly oxford), 1 week ago.
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