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emzbulletproof

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The upside to losing 15 pounds is that I can fit into old pants I've been saving in my closet.

The downside is I'm still wearing pants.
by (Wade), 35 minutes ago.
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Found a DVD without an envelope in my Pop-Tarts box. I hope you liked Strawberry Frosted, Netflix.
by (Mike), 37 minutes ago.
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Pretending: Because some days you need to be a superhero.
by (Jason Sweeney), 44 minutes ago.
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Awake from dreams of Melissa Etheridge's porno cooking show. Never sleeping again.
by (Rob Weychert), 50 minutes ago.
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The sign said BELIEVABURGER but my eyes saw VAGINABURGER and it will probably be a long time before I eat a burger again.
by (MC Thumbtack), 51 minutes ago.
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@tj I just take mine with water.
by (PROCKY), 59 minutes ago.
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My recipe for a good night's sleep will be called "An Ambien & an Orgasm." Label will read "Works best when someone else gives them to you."
by (Ticklish Junk), 1 hour, 2 minutes ago.
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@abigvictory So that's why people say they never got the christening pictures of little Cialis!
by (I'm so street), 1 hour, 6 minutes ago.
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If you name your daughter Brandii, you're dooming her to a lifetime of people sending her emails straight to spam.
by (MC Thumbtack), 1 hour, 16 minutes ago.
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I'm glad the weather is a bit warmer because I can't find my pants
by (Em), 1 hour, 22 minutes ago.
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...articulated bus. As you can see it leads to premature status updates, not to mention nausea.
by (Greg Hoy), 1 hour, 26 minutes ago.
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Now that I'm 30, I can officially begin cat lady training.
by (Katie ), 1 hour, 36 minutes ago.
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Happy 22nd to my sis, @darcikelley. If given a chance to push her through a screen door like I did when she was 4, I'd do it all over again.
by (Jeff Kelley), 1 hour, 38 minutes ago.
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I wouldn't call this "heartburn" so much as I'd call it "alien exploding from my stomach surrounded by flames, lava and radioactive waste."
by (Essex Mortimer Dogg), 1 hour, 49 minutes ago.
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As long as you hit that wire with the connecting hook at precisely 88mph, the instant the lightning strikes the tower...
by (Brad Smith), 2 hours, 32 minutes ago.
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I'm grateful that these buses have wireless so that you don't have to take a break from my inanity.
by (rejecter), 2 hours, 46 minutes ago.
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No don' wanna get up, wanna sleep. Oh, plane? For SXSW. Okay. Will get up.
by (Abby Spice), 3 hours, 23 minutes ago.
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I feel like I didn't tweet every funny thing that happened today. That's nice.
by (Indefensible), 3 hours, 34 minutes ago.
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This Cow Pie tastes like shit.
by (Nicholas Allen), 4 hours ago.
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Sleeping under a pile of quilts, out here on the couch, I feel wild, like Daniel Boone, from the Bible, must have felt.
by (Scott Simpson), 4 hours, 38 minutes ago.
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