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jameseliason

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Ever leave your phone at your desk and end up reading your wallet in the restroom? Ever tweet about it? Ever hope my boss doesn't see this?
by (Adam Isacson), 6 hours, 59 minutes ago.
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My past arrogance has caused the failure of my past businesses .... be humble in your decision making
by (Kanye West), 1 day, 4 hours ago.
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If you love someone, set them on fire. Then by comparison you are always the good looking one.
by (MJ), 1 day, 4 hours ago.
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Dunno which is more disheartening: that someone reused the conceit of one of my jokes, or that they nailed it.
by (Emmy), 1 day, 4 hours ago.
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THIS JUST IN: Hillary Clinton seen in Men's Wearhouse selecting her Mother of the Bride pantsuit.
by (D), 1 day, 5 hours ago.
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every time i blow my nose i always look to see if there's an iPod or something awesome in there, because you just never know.
by (tonylogan), 1 day, 5 hours ago.
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My sister reckons I would understand children better if I spent time with some.
So I've invited the neighbour's kids over for drinks.
by (Peter), 1 day, 5 hours ago.
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I love burritos, but I'm not IN love with burritos.


and yes, we're sleeping together.
by (MJ), 1 day, 5 hours ago.
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The county fair: It's like People of Wal-Mart on safari.
by (Miss_Cook), 1 day, 5 hours ago.
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Fun fact: Orel Hershiser's real first name is Fellatio.

If you think about it, it's a wonder he was even born, really.
by (This Charming Man ), 1 day, 5 hours ago.
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We may defeat terrorism but until we defeat platform flip flops and toe rings we can't really claim victory at all.
by (ruthakers), 1 day, 5 hours ago.
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So how does one get on the payroll to test 'foolproof systems' anyway?
by (Tammy), 1 day, 5 hours ago.
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Depending on the truth, it could set you free or it could just get you set on fire so it's best not to risk it.
by (Jonathan), 1 day, 5 hours ago.
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Anybody clicking 'Retweet' on a Kanye West tweet, I'm clicking 'Unfollow' on your ass.
by (Mariana Rivera), 1 day, 5 hours ago.
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I coulda had a V8, but I'm not into drinking menstrual flow. Usually.
by (Zino Macaluso), 1 day, 5 hours ago.
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I've got nothing. Does that make me a candidate for the wit-less protection program?
by (John Melhorn), 1 day, 5 hours ago.
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"Tom Brady needs to lose that Shaun Cassidy hairdo, he's nearly killing my orgasms. No, I said 'nearly.' I've still got backup."
by (Jess), 1 day, 5 hours ago.
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For past 3 hours been thinking about how I misspelled Kanye in a tweet. His tweets is already taking the motivation outta my education, yo.
by (Nikki Last Name Here), 1 day, 6 hours ago.
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I was attacked by a bee the size of a raptor and yelled "Shit!" Just as the president walked by. I smiled at her and said, "Men!" She nodded
by (Semi Sweet), 1 day, 6 hours ago.
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I'm disappointed now that I didn't have an affair with a guru in Clapham.

I feel I have cheated myself without even knowing it.
by (Penbleth), 1 day, 6 hours ago.
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