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jeremyturner

Tweets favorited by jeremyturner’s friends.

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@Just_Alison @daveshumka My God. She's right. Unstar.
by (Polythene Spam), 25 minutes ago.
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Oregon is the Amazon Prime of states. When a thing says it costs $29.99, check this out - you pay $29.99!
by (Neven Mrgan), 37 minutes ago.
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Who's Earl?
by ( Jen), 1 hour, 39 minutes ago.
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After the apocalypse, when we have to survive on cans of cat food, I'll be totally fine. Really. I might add a dash of salt. Mmmm.
by (Neven Mrgan), 1 hour, 41 minutes ago.
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How many roofies do I slip in a pizza, you know ... if the pizza's playing hard to get?
by (Josh Donoghue), 2 hours, 14 minutes ago.
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My parents are "dancing". It looks like they're being attacked by bees.
by (Aimee B), 2 hours, 22 minutes ago.
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BP must be in the diaper business, too. These blowout preventers never work.
by (Brian Bolter), 2 hours, 28 minutes ago.
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I explained I was wearing flip flops because of my infected open heel wound, not poor fashion, but people still wouldn't high five me. :(
by (Jason), 2 hours, 40 minutes ago.
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 No results found for "Shirley Temple Black Russian"

Until now.
by (matt), 2 hours, 43 minutes ago.
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You still pay for a cell phone? In Bed-Stuy we use courier pigeons instead. If you see me clapping on a rooftop, I'm checking my voicemail.
by (Simon Goetz), 2 hours, 49 minutes ago.
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In less than an hour I will attempt to live-tweet a color photograph of the actual Bun E. Carlos. You may begin refreshing... NOW.
by (JTD), 2 hours, 50 minutes ago.
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In the middle of a discussion about Facebook and gender, she suddenly says "Oh! Butter!" and runs out of the room.
by (Simon Crowley), 3 hours, 7 minutes ago.
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I see you're looking at the Aston Martin. You have fine taste. Perhaps I can interest you in a reheated Big Mac. -Facebook as a Car Salesman
by (luckyshirt), 3 hours, 8 minutes ago.
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♪ Bourbon in my slushie ♪
by (Jason Sweeney), 3 hours, 11 minutes ago.
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Why does Robert Plant get all the chicks? I wear a fringe vest and talk about Tolkien too.
by (Jim Hamilton), 3 hours, 12 minutes ago.
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@jsnell Would love to, email me for details: darin at portenzo.com
by (Portenzo), 3 hours, 14 minutes ago.
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Me: "Oh god. I wonder what else can go wrong."
Husband: "Hurricane tomorrow."
Me: "Touché."
by (Beth), 3 hours, 16 minutes ago.
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If they made an 80-ton bag of popcorn, I'd still be surprised when I scraped the bottom halfway through the movie.
by (Katie Rose), 3 hours, 28 minutes ago.
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My toots have been too sexual lately and I'm sorry. Here: Tyler Perry's House of Paynecakes. Not funny, but at least I didn't say boner.
by (Alison Agosti), 3 hours, 29 minutes ago.
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Penis car penis car drives wherever the penises are no I will not shut up I paid to eat in this restaurant goddammit
by (Jay Hathaway), 3 hours, 31 minutes ago.
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