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melissasantos

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The upside to losing 15 pounds is that I can fit into old pants I've been saving in my closet.

The downside is I'm still wearing pants.
by (Wade), 34 minutes ago.
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Found a DVD without an envelope in my Pop-Tarts box. I hope you liked Strawberry Frosted, Netflix.
by (Mike), 36 minutes ago.
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Pretending: Because some days you need to be a superhero.
by (Jason Sweeney), 43 minutes ago.
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The sign said BELIEVABURGER but my eyes saw VAGINABURGER and it will probably be a long time before I eat a burger again.
by (MC Thumbtack), 49 minutes ago.
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@tj I just take mine with water.
by (PROCKY), 58 minutes ago.
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My recipe for a good night's sleep will be called "An Ambien & an Orgasm." Label will read "Works best when someone else gives them to you."
by (Ticklish Junk), 1 hour, 1 minute ago.
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@abigvictory So that's why people say they never got the christening pictures of little Cialis!
by (I'm so street), 1 hour, 5 minutes ago.
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If you name your daughter Brandii, you're dooming her to a lifetime of people sending her emails straight to spam.
by (MC Thumbtack), 1 hour, 15 minutes ago.
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I'm glad the weather is a bit warmer because I can't find my pants
by (Em), 1 hour, 20 minutes ago.
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My Shhhhhhhhhhhhhharona #librarysongs
by (Clayton Hove), 1 hour, 23 minutes ago.
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Now that I'm 30, I can officially begin cat lady training.
by (Katie ), 1 hour, 35 minutes ago.
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Happy 22nd to my sis, @darcikelley. If given a chance to push her through a screen door like I did when she was 4, I'd do it all over again.
by (Jeff Kelley), 1 hour, 37 minutes ago.
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My sinus infection has guaranteed me a spot in the lesser known "running of the nose" race.
by (LC Paperclip), 1 hour, 42 minutes ago.
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I wouldn't call this "heartburn" so much as I'd call it "alien exploding from my stomach surrounded by flames, lava and radioactive waste."
by (Essex Mortimer Dogg), 1 hour, 48 minutes ago.
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No don' wanna get up, wanna sleep. Oh, plane? For SXSW. Okay. Will get up.
by (Abby Spice), 3 hours, 22 minutes ago.
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@everydaydude here's your 30s club membership card, I laminated yours at the same time as mine. Happy happy birthday!
by (Anna Rascouët-Paz), 5 hours, 2 minutes ago.
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It's past midnight on the West Coast, you know what that means, @jimray and @everydaydude? No I don't know, That was a real question.
by (Anna Rascouët-Paz), 5 hours, 8 minutes ago.
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Apparently, I can be replaced by pizza.
by (Indefensible), 5 hours, 29 minutes ago.
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@secretsquirrel Eighty-three has a terrible, terrible secret. You're thinking "it's the sum of three consecutive primes"; THAT'S NOT IT.
by (David Seymour), 5 hours, 32 minutes ago.
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One is the loneliest number. Seven is kinda racist. Nine needs to just come out already. Four drinks to forget. Three is angry, so so angry.
by (Ryan), 5 hours, 36 minutes ago.
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