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sblaufuss

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If a Glenn Beck theory proves true, somewhere... a unicorn dies.
by (John ), 10 minutes ago.
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TOYOTA: At least they don't explode™
by (He-Man), 11 minutes ago.
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"Who's a good boy wants his belly rubbed?!" is doing great things for the morale at work.
by (He-Man), 12 minutes ago.
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Apparently my super power is being hungover and still managing to be ridiculously productive & efficient at work. loljk. I'm not doin' shit!
by (CousinBrandon), 20 minutes ago.
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After much deliberation, I'm fairly certain the only reason Captain Hook never had any kids is because he scratched his balls a lot.
by (Drew Monge), 21 minutes ago.
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He watched her working in the garden, her love of dirt, the maternal labor of the soil. It moved him. But he was still leaving after dinner.
by (Arjun Basu), 23 minutes ago.
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I just ordered a set of personalized license plates. They'll read 324-TXZ. I'm kind of humble that way.
by (David Leibowitz), 40 minutes ago.
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The upside to losing 15 pounds is that I can fit into old pants I've been saving in my closet.

The downside is I'm still wearing pants.
by (Wade), 49 minutes ago.
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Found a DVD without an envelope in my Pop-Tarts box. I hope you liked Strawberry Frosted, Netflix.
by (Mike), 51 minutes ago.
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Pretending: Because some days you need to be a superhero.
by (Jason Sweeney), 59 minutes ago.
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The sign said BELIEVABURGER but my eyes saw VAGINABURGER and it will probably be a long time before I eat a burger again.
by (MC Thumbtack), 1 hour, 5 minutes ago.
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A former child star so much as breathes heavily and Danny Bonaduce is asked for comment.
by (kris), 1 hour, 14 minutes ago.
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My recipe for a good night's sleep will be called "An Ambien & an Orgasm." Label will read "Works best when someone else gives them to you."
by (Ticklish Junk), 1 hour, 17 minutes ago.
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My Shhhhhhhhhhhhhharona #librarysongs
by (Clayton Hove), 1 hour, 38 minutes ago.
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Now that I'm 30, I can officially begin cat lady training.
by (Katie ), 1 hour, 51 minutes ago.
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My sinus infection has guaranteed me a spot in the lesser known "running of the nose" race.
by (LC Paperclip), 1 hour, 58 minutes ago.
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I am 99% sure that if a man and a woman who are both in wheelchairs make a baby, the baby isn't born in a wheelchair too.
by (Mark Leggett), 3 hours, 20 minutes ago.
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No don' wanna get up, wanna sleep. Oh, plane? For SXSW. Okay. Will get up.
by (Abby Spice), 3 hours, 38 minutes ago.
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I feel like I didn't tweet every funny thing that happened today. That's nice.
by (Indefensible), 3 hours, 49 minutes ago.
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This Cow Pie tastes like shit.
by (Nicholas Allen), 4 hours, 14 minutes ago.
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