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scottsimpson

Tweets favorited by scottsimpson’s friends.

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@Just_Alison @daveshumka My God. She's right. Unstar.
by (Polythene Spam), 1 hour, 38 minutes ago.
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I need to write a book just so I can use, "The only thing tight about her were the stalactites growing in her cervix."
by (Aimee B), 2 hours, 17 minutes ago.
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After the apocalypse, when we have to survive on cans of cat food, I'll be totally fine. Really. I might add a dash of salt. Mmmm.
by (Neven Mrgan), 2 hours, 54 minutes ago.
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How many roofies do I slip in a pizza, you know ... if the pizza's playing hard to get?
by (Josh Donoghue), 3 hours, 28 minutes ago.
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My parents are "dancing". It looks like they're being attacked by bees.
by (Aimee B), 3 hours, 35 minutes ago.
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BP must be in the diaper business, too. These blowout preventers never work.
by (Brian Bolter), 3 hours, 41 minutes ago.
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I explained I was wearing flip flops because of my infected open heel wound, not poor fashion, but people still wouldn't high five me. :(
by (Jason), 3 hours, 53 minutes ago.
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 No results found for "Shirley Temple Black Russian"

Until now.
by (matt), 3 hours, 56 minutes ago.
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You still pay for a cell phone? In Bed-Stuy we use courier pigeons instead. If you see me clapping on a rooftop, I'm checking my voicemail.
by (Simon Goetz), 4 hours, 2 minutes ago.
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In less than an hour I will attempt to live-tweet a color photograph of the actual Bun E. Carlos. You may begin refreshing... NOW.
by (JTD), 4 hours, 3 minutes ago.
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It's a stay-home-and-watch-Colin-Firth-all-day sort of weekend.
by (Nicole Lee), 4 hours, 10 minutes ago.
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Just got hit on by a Blackberry user. Gross.
by (Chris Clark), 4 hours, 10 minutes ago.
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In the middle of a discussion about Facebook and gender, she suddenly says "Oh! Butter!" and runs out of the room.
by (Simon Crowley), 4 hours, 21 minutes ago.
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I see you're looking at the Aston Martin. You have fine taste. Perhaps I can interest you in a reheated Big Mac. -Facebook as a Car Salesman
by (luckyshirt), 4 hours, 21 minutes ago.
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♪ Bourbon in my slushie ♪
by (Jason Sweeney), 4 hours, 24 minutes ago.
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Why does Robert Plant get all the chicks? I wear a fringe vest and talk about Tolkien too.
by (Jim Hamilton), 4 hours, 25 minutes ago.
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Me: "Oh god. I wonder what else can go wrong."
Husband: "Hurricane tomorrow."
Me: "Touché."
by (Beth), 4 hours, 29 minutes ago.
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If they made an 80-ton bag of popcorn, I'd still be surprised when I scraped the bottom halfway through the movie.
by (Katie Rose), 4 hours, 41 minutes ago.
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My toots have been too sexual lately and I'm sorry. Here: Tyler Perry's House of Paynecakes. Not funny, but at least I didn't say boner.
by (Alison Agosti), 4 hours, 42 minutes ago.
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Penis car penis car drives wherever the penises are no I will not shut up I paid to eat in this restaurant goddammit
by (Jay Hathaway), 4 hours, 44 minutes ago.
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