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secretsquirrel

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If I were redesigning the bazooka I would make it look like a cat. People would be all, "That's a big, fucking cat," and then POW!
by (Trelvix), 1 hour, 13 minutes ago.
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@Just_Alison @daveshumka My God. She's right. Unstar.
by (Polythene Spam), 1 hour, 25 minutes ago.
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Oregon is the Amazon Prime of states. When a thing says it costs $29.99, check this out - you pay $29.99!
by (Neven Mrgan), 1 hour, 37 minutes ago.
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"A thousand shots of Debbie Harry's poon don't just vanish from the Internet overnight. No. Uh-uh. Somebody had to gone and done something."
by (JTD), 1 hour, 42 minutes ago.
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White people will never not sing the bum bum bum's in 'Sweet Caroline'.
by (ruthakers), 1 hour, 43 minutes ago.
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My GPS is kind of a bitch.
by (Theresa), 1 hour, 47 minutes ago.
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Guy: you know raspberries & blueberries are highest in anti-oxidants?

Me: nods head

Dude: ok, I'm not going to talk to you anymore
by (~SUMMER~), 1 hour, 52 minutes ago.
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I've said it before and I'll say it again: The "do the dog face" scene in "Bolt" is some of the best character animation I've ever seen.
by (Jeffery Harrell), 1 hour, 53 minutes ago.
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I need to write a book just so I can use, "The only thing tight about her were the stalactites growing in her cervix."
by (Aimee B), 2 hours, 4 minutes ago.
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14yo: "Some people quote presidents. Some people quote prophets. Our family quotes comedians and Arrested Development."
by (Jerilyn Hassell Pool), 2 hours, 24 minutes ago.
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After the apocalypse, when we have to survive on cans of cat food, I'll be totally fine. Really. I might add a dash of salt. Mmmm.
by (Neven Mrgan), 2 hours, 41 minutes ago.
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Twitter's only showing my @-replies from 2007. I hope this is the 1st scene of a time travel movie where I teach everyone about hashtags.
by (m), 3 hours, 14 minutes ago.
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How many roofies do I slip in a pizza, you know ... if the pizza's playing hard to get?
by (Josh Donoghue), 3 hours, 14 minutes ago.
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My parents are "dancing". It looks like they're being attacked by bees.
by (Aimee B), 3 hours, 22 minutes ago.
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BP must be in the diaper business, too. These blowout preventers never work.
by (Brian Bolter), 3 hours, 28 minutes ago.
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I explained I was wearing flip flops because of my infected open heel wound, not poor fashion, but people still wouldn't high five me. :(
by (Jason), 3 hours, 40 minutes ago.
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The Jonas Brothers have lots of moles. I hope they get them checked often.
by (Stacey), 3 hours, 42 minutes ago.
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 No results found for "Shirley Temple Black Russian"

Until now.
by (matt), 3 hours, 42 minutes ago.
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You still pay for a cell phone? In Bed-Stuy we use courier pigeons instead. If you see me clapping on a rooftop, I'm checking my voicemail.
by (Simon Goetz), 3 hours, 49 minutes ago.
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In less than an hour I will attempt to live-tweet a color photograph of the actual Bun E. Carlos. You may begin refreshing... NOW.
by (JTD), 3 hours, 50 minutes ago.
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