sengming

OH AM I SUPPOSED TO TELL JOKES ON TWITTER? YOUR FACE IS A JOKE.
by jaydensmommie (Mama), 8 hours, 34 minutes ago. ¶
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Writing a check. This is so ironic. #lol
by everydaydude (Aaron Durand), 8 hours, 38 minutes ago. ¶
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So, when are hipsters going to try to bring back paying by checks?
by baileygenine (Bailey Siewert), 8 hours, 41 minutes ago. ¶
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Ugh, I hate it when my iPhone and iPad get scratched up by all the loose diamonds in my bag.
by biorhythmist (matt), 8 hours, 42 minutes ago. ¶
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Pregnancy teaches you all sorts of fun new things, like how your belly button is off-center just the tiniest bit. Thanks, pregnancy!
by alinasmith (alina smith), 8 hours, 53 minutes ago. ¶
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I wear either a large or an extra large, depending on how much I've cried that day.
by lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor), 9 hours, 15 minutes ago. ¶
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I wish I knew why all superheroes with tattoos have tribal tattoos. Well, except for Hulk and his inner thigh mermaid tattoo.
by worldwarmike (Mike Minnick), 9 hours, 25 minutes ago. ¶
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don't tell ME that I lack patriotism, you backwards-assed teabagging son of a bitch!

CHRIST! you JUST WATCHED me masturbate into this flag!
by theduty (duty), 9 hours, 36 minutes ago. ¶
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I didn't choose to be a modern-day Samurai. It chose me. And I chose the sexy, action underwear that made me a good candidate.
by MoodyPlaylist (Jamie Madrox), 9 hours, 46 minutes ago. ¶
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OH HAI CHICAGO
by ange_black (angela black), 9 hours, 49 minutes ago. ¶
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That parking job was more like parallel universe parking.
by Hella (Mike Rastiello), 9 hours, 57 minutes ago. ¶
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Saw a woman today with "Only God can judge me" tattooed on her neck. If she only knew how hard I was judging her.
by Kalli (Karl Gunnarsson), 10 hours, 1 minute ago. ¶
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BOTH MY PANTS POCKETS ARE FLOPPED OUT!!! KISS THE BUNNY ON THE NOSE??
by leisuretown (leisuretown), 10 hours, 3 minutes ago. ¶
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This is @Square in 9 pages, courtesy of @jack. http://yfrog.com/hqs10wj
by sam_wen (Sam Wen), 10 hours, 20 minutes ago. ¶
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Rather than saying "And this is the bathroom", I think Real Estate Agents should say "Guess what room this is?" and then sit down & poop.
by OverlandParker (Michael Pierce), 10 hours, 33 minutes ago. ¶
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Singing "Are there cats on Maaaaarrrrsss…" to my cat, who remains stoic. Can't believe it took 2 years to learn she's not a Bowie fan.
by antichrista (Christa Mrgan), 10 hours, 44 minutes ago. ¶
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The musical accompaniment for our lovemaking experience will be The Wall, in its entirety. J/K I'm already done. Night night!
by fireland (Joshua Allen), 10 hours, 57 minutes ago. ¶
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Scene from a bar.
Him: Are you two sisters?
Friend & I: No ...
Him: You look alike.
Me: Is it because we're white?!
by Aimee_B_Loved (Aimee B), 11 hours, 10 minutes ago. ¶
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Man, that bank teller was rude. And not in the "second wave ska" way, either. That would've been sort of cool.
by adamisacson (Adam Isacson), 11 hours, 18 minutes ago. ¶
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I like my women like I like my proper grammar. No missing periods.
by lukeinvan (Luke InVan), 11 hours, 28 minutes ago. ¶
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