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I like to spoon, but I prefer to fork .... no more Mr knife guy...
by Glennyvee (Glenn V),
1 day, 22 hours ago.
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I have written too when I meant to TWICE today. If I was an animal someone would put me out of my misery. Fever and spelling do not mix :(
by Paxochka (Pax Paxochka),
1 day, 22 hours ago.
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"Starbucks" and "giant whale" should never be used in the same sentence.
by samseduction (Samantha Seduction),
1 day, 22 hours ago.
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Great. My book ran out of batteries. Stupid future.
by TVsAndyDaly (Andy Daly),
1 day, 22 hours ago.
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I need to see the occasional movie about the world's youngest billionaire to keep me grounded.
by AdInsanitum (Andy),
1 day, 22 hours ago.
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I just wrapped my blanket around me like a skirt. Fuck you Snuggie.
by conanobrienswyf (Meg Abbitch),
1 day, 22 hours ago.
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Nothing worse than following a comedian tweeter who doesn't tweet funny.
by zombot (Paul),
1 day, 22 hours ago.
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Jesus was the original “Situation.” I mean, just look at those abs.
by daveihl (Dave Ihlenfeld),
1 day, 22 hours ago.
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All of us that are tweeting don’t seem to have a clue about the laws of supply and demand.
by chimichinchilla (Ryan Clarke),
1 day, 22 hours ago.
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Someone unfriended me on Facebook. I have no idea who. I call that a win/win.
by knitterplease (liar princess),
1 day, 22 hours ago.
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If it turns out to be a joke that the NFL season starts Thursday, I'm going on a psychotic rampage.
by juliussharpe (Julius Sharpe),
1 day, 22 hours ago.
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Three times a year my dad wakes up in a cold sweat over a missed parking spot.
by DearAnyone (Artie Johann),
1 day, 22 hours ago.
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They should sell Starburst by the wad.
by apelad (A. Koford),
1 day, 22 hours ago.
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Too much beer& ambien makes the ceilings undulate quite seductively. Should I go to bed scared or have another beer and try to fuck it?
by willwrite4beer (will write for beer),
1 day, 23 hours ago.
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I just took a double dose of Nyquil and three Tylenol PMs and now I feel like Superman. After the horse-riding accident.
by christaland (christa),
1 day, 23 hours ago.
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Heh, "blow".
by knitterplease (liar princess),
1 day, 23 hours ago.
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For several days each month ovaries make you both insanely horny and baby-crazy. Add alcohol to that powder keg and watch 'er blow.
by knitterplease (liar princess),
1 day, 23 hours ago.
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Seriously, I better get to bed early. Rosh Hashanah starts tomorrow and as always I'm staying up late to watch the matzo ball drop.
by _theguy_ (The Guy),
1 day, 23 hours ago.
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Legend has it that if you listen to three Dire Straits songs in the dark you’ll have a mustache once the lights come on.
by MerkyPost (Mark M.),
1 day, 23 hours ago.
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Now is when I fall asleep reading Twitter on my phone & accidentally unfollow you (*chuckle*, "accidentally"...)
by disinhibited (NOT noahWG),
1 day, 23 hours ago.
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