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tornadorex

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Still haven't heard about a sticky gas pedal on Hummer limos.
by (Brian Bolter), 2 hours, 53 minutes ago.
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I'm guessing all these Runaway Toyotas probably just needed time and space to escape the pressures of their upcoming weddings.
by (Jason Permenter), 3 hours, 20 minutes ago.
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I believe what we have here is a failure to shutthefuckuperate.
by (tenacious d.), 3 hours, 27 minutes ago.
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Going to spend some quality time with my wife. Be back in 2 minutes.
by (Mike Something), 3 hours, 30 minutes ago.
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Thanks to that bitch Gloria Estefan I’m still terrified of the “rhythm”…
by (Beersuds), 3 hours, 33 minutes ago.
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My tweet stream is like my pee stream. It's dark & cloudy 1st thing in the morning & then gets clearer & more frequent as the day wears on.
by (Mike Something), 3 hours, 34 minutes ago.
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I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me.
by (your real name), 3 hours, 39 minutes ago.
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Today I didn't even have to rebalance my 401k. I got to say, it was a good day.
by (Sean Hussey), 3 hours, 52 minutes ago.
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I can’t get any sleep with the headlights shining in my window.

Not to mention the sirens & the cops yelling “come out with your hands up”.
by (Christoffer B.M.K.), 4 hours, 4 minutes ago.
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I'm starting to think that guy wasn't really an official bikini inspector. This thing is clearly way too small for me.
by (Günther Green), 4 hours, 17 minutes ago.
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I’m sure there’s a submissive, gay southern rock band named ZZ-Bottom.
by (Jason Mustian ), 4 hours, 25 minutes ago.
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It's not like my dog literally ordered me to murder you. It's more like we both need you dead and mutually decided I should handle it.
by (reverendross), 4 hours, 28 minutes ago.
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If Vince Lombardi was alive, he’d probably quote me all the time.
by (Chris Pinckney), 4 hours, 30 minutes ago.
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The grass is greener on the other side because my neighbor has plenty of bullshit over there to use as fertilizer.
by (Bethamphetamine ), 4 hours, 31 minutes ago.
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What I've learned today from reading tweets. I'm stupid, awesome, wonderful, meh, fantastic & "the best". It's probably all true.
by (Jason Shellen), 4 hours, 59 minutes ago.
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I didn't mean to snub you. I didn't recognize you with pubes.
by (David S.), 5 hours, 10 minutes ago.
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I'd like to try autoerotic asphyxiation but I would need someone to show me the ropes.
by (Jonathan), 5 hours, 36 minutes ago.
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AAAAARGH EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT SURELY DEATH IS NEAR
by (Queen Lindstifa), 5 hours, 40 minutes ago.
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It's called "iceberg lettuce" because even though you only see 10% of it, it actually makes up 90% of your Subway sammich.
by (Clayton Hove), 5 hours, 43 minutes ago.
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I’m doing both the Atkins and Weight Watchers diets simultaneously. Being on only one diet just leaves me feeling way too hungry
by (Mrs Joshua Homme), 5 hours, 48 minutes ago.
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